Heart of Darkness
by moriartyswife
Summary: "If you're so tired of me, then why won't you let me die! Everyone wants to push their ideals on me. Saying that I should want to live. But I don't! I want to die." Being the daughter of Osamu Dazai meant the Armed Detective Agency wanted me to work for them, for my ability. All I wanted was to end all the suffering that lingered in my heart. Why doesn't my father understand?


Kasumi Dazai

Sitting on the edge of the pier, I'd been watching the boats come and go from the port across the water. The sun was low, sinking below the watery horizon. It colored the sky several shades of orange and pink. I've been out here for a long time, long enough to make my stomach tense in pain. I must not have eaten today. Not that I care. Maybe I'll starve to death if I sit here long enough. That would be preferable to going home.

Footsteps approached, along with a smell that made my mouth water. "Special delivery for my favorite absentee in class," Ren said, setting down a hot box of Takoyaki. He plopped down beside me, adjusting his glasses. He looked just like his mother, Akiko Yosano. The only big difference between them was his curly hair and Ren seemed to be much saner that his mother. "I figured I'd find you here. You do love the ocean."

"It'd be great for drowning in, and if that doesn't work, I can always drink it until I die of dehydration," I replied, stuffing a hot piece of the food in my mouth. This is from the vendor across town. His Takoyaki was the best in Yokohama. Sometimes he'd give it to me for free since I sent people to him all the time.

Ren laughed, which wasn't a normal person's reaction to hearing about suicide methods. "You skipped school all week, Kasumi." This is what he always did. Changed the subject. Never acknowledging that I'd come up with a new way to kill myself. His ability was annoying, and so my attempts were never successful.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I can't be bored to death at school or I'd be there. Besides, it's not like anyone actually cares." What are they going to do? Call my dad? He'll lecture me and try to ground me. That never works out because he's always working. He can say that I'm grounded all he wants, but he's never around to enforce it.

Ren turned his head away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well… actually…" He hesitated to finish his thought. This was how he acted when there was a subject that might cause tension between us. He cleared his throat. "The principal did call Dazai… and you've been suspended for a month."

"Okay. Like I care," I said, stuffing another ball of Takoyaki into my mouth. Gives me more time to find a way out of this dull world.

He sighed. "Kasumi listen… we told… him about…"

My eyes grew wide. Dad was known for being the same way as me, and from the tales, his new idea of a good suicide is to do it with a beautiful woman, which is stupid. Why should I involve some other person in my madness? The problem laid in the fact that for whatever reason, it wasn't okay for me to want to end my life. There had many occasions where Ren had to use his ability to save me after one of my attempts. My so-called friends were the only ones who knew.

But I guess I really am all alone.

Ren reached out to touch me, but I smooshed the rest of the Takoyaki against his face. "Wait, Kasumi!"

"Don't pretend to care," I said with a sigh. Standing, I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jacket. It would take him at least 2 minutes to clean that mess off his glasses, giving me time to disappear into the crowded streets of Yokohama.

The real reason they decided to tell the adults about me is because they don't want to be responsible. Guilty. It was already eating away at them, knowing how many times I'd attempted and succeeded. Using Ren to bring me back had been their way of removing their guilt. I should have known it would only be a matter of time before someone broke.

There are plenty of places that I go to get away from everyone in the city. There's an abandoned apartment building across town still had furniture in some of the rooms. It had been condemned due to a fire starting in the boiler room, but they had yet to tear it down. My favorite spot, however, was a still working high rise. The night guard and I were friends, so he would let me in to hide out on the rooftop when no one was in the building.

The view from up here is breathtaking, even after the sun has set. Stars should be visible but in a large city like this, smog polluted the atmosphere, making it difficult to see them. The moon peeked out from behind the clouds. Climbing up on the ledge, I closed my eyes and held out my arms. The wind picked up, threating to push me right over the edge. From this height, maybe there wouldn't be enough of me left for Ren to bring back.

"Kasumi."

Of course, he found me. He is an ex port mafia executive. I dropped my arms, turning my head just enough to look back at my father over my shoulder. "What?" If he didn't believe the others before, there's no explaining this without admission that I might have a problem.

"You're causing problems for other people," Father said. As if he isn't a huge problem at his workplace as well. Kunikida is always complaining about him. From the stories, I know exactly how alike we are.

I narrowed my eyes. "That's all you care about isn't it? Even if I did jump off this ledge, all you'd worry about is how the people down below might be inconvenienced by me," I said. No one really cares about me. My mother should have finished killing me that day. What I wouldn't give to go back to that day and just die.

"That isn't true, Kasumi." I hate how calm he always is. He isn't afraid that he might lose his daughter. Mom used to say that he was incapable of feeling love. Father put his hands in his pockets, completely relaxed with this situation. "If you wanted my attention, you've got it."

I scoffed, looking back out at the city. "Why would I want that?" Even at night, Yokohama is busy. Cars lined the streets, honking and racing to get to their destination. With how many stoplights there are on these streets, it's nearly impossible to get killed by being hit by a car. No one is moving fast enough. "I'm not going to jump. Ren's too close by. So, you can go."

Father walked up to the ledge, leaning against it. "Kasumi, we have to talk about this."

"No, we don't," I answered. The thought crossed my mind that I'd rather jump than have to talk about my feelings with him. Even if Ren did bring me back, at least I'd escape this conversation. We've had arguments over skipping school for years now. It gets old.

"I'm withdrawing you from school."

Huh?

My speechlessness prompted him to continue. "But in return, you're going to work part time at the agency," he finished. Our gazes were locked together. Matching dark brown eyes staring. He had to know that I wouldn't agree to that.

HUH?

"Why?" I asked, completely at a loss of what else to say. The Armed Detective Agency had brought me in a time or two to use my ability but each time they attempted to test me, I failed. On purpose, but it was so that I didn't have to work for them.

Father smiled, replying, "So that I can keep an eye on you. You'll have to take supplementary classes online, as I won't be letting you completely drop out of high school. We've even made desk space for you to work at while you aren't assisting on cases." Is… is he serious? Father grabbed my wrist, pulling me down closer to him. "You don't have a choice, Kasumi. I've grown tired of chasing you around the town because you can't control your tendencies."

"Then just let me die!" I shouted, surprising him for once. Jerking my hand loose, I took a few steps back, until the corner of the building ledge almost ended. "If you're so tired of me, then why won't you let me die! Everyone wants to push their ideals on me. Saying that I should want to live. But I don't! I want to die." Why does no one understand that? They say I have a future. What future? All I see is a dark void ready to swallow me up.

Father sighed, but a smile ghosted his lips. "I know. I'm the only one who will ever understand that darkness inside your heart."

"Then why-"

"Because there is coming a day when a threat will fall on Yokohama and you will be the key to saving everyone. Despite what you say, I know you don't wish any harm to come to your friends. It isn't easy to keep living when you want to die. But we do, and you know why? Why I keep on living?" He asked.

I shook my head, afraid of the answer. Please don't give me a reason to live. I've spent a long time fighting to find a reason. Ren confessed his love for me, and I rejected him outright. Mitsu Nakajima tries so hard to be kind to me, but I always turn her away.

"Because I have a beautiful daughter who needs to find her reason to keep on living, even though she doesn't want to," Father said, holding out his hand to me. It felt like a lie. Like most everything they spout at me in moments like this.

But I wanted to believe it.

I slowly reached out my own hand to let him help me off the ledge. To my surprise, nothing else was said. Father didn't try to pressure me for a reason right now. He didn't try to make me feel better about that darkness that was inside both of us. He just… held my hand as we walked back home. The idea of having a real reason to keep on living terrified me, and my instinct to run away kicked in a few times, but each time my body tensed, Father just squeezed my hand. He cast a glance down at me, knowing. By the time we reached home, I was much more relaxed. The darkness waned enough to let me calm down. Only one thing bothered me.

I have to work at the Armed Detective Agency.

Effective Immediately.


End file.
